In an unprecedented, bipartisan move on Capital Hill this Saturday, Congress reached across the aisles and appropriated 90% of federal government spending to the Department of Defense for the war effort. “It’s a big success,” said Sen. Jon Kyl in elation, “we were finally able to agree on something. Hopefully we can move this country towards a brighter future: one with glow-in-the-dark skin and cluster bomb fireworks!.” The Demo-Rep Freedom bill would give the military about 20 trillion USD. The Department of Defense is to divert the funds into sub-agencies and towards any sort of research efforts it chooses such as “Uncle-Sam-Painted Cluster bomb shells” and “Freedom and Liberty bullet casings.”
“Finally we can stop putting up with this education and ‘NASA’ doo-hickies. Their ‘science’ and contact with ‘advanced civilizations’ crap were really tiring me,” stated Secretary of Defense Panetta. “We should be putting where it really matters: terrorist-seeking nuclear grenade launchers. That’d be so sweet.”
