Washington 5:45 A.M. – Lawmakers on Capitol Hill have overwhelmingly voted to use funds from the recently cut program, NASA, into what they say is a more salient use of funds. “This is going to be freaking fantastic,” quoted Sen. Kyl. “I’m literally crapping my pants at the idea of this.” Although specific details of the bill have not been made public because of concerns that it would be “too mind-blowingly awesome for such a simple-minded public,” rumors have it that it would take money normally funded into programs to explore space, colonize new planets, and meet extraterrestrial life, and build about ten, five million dollar tanks. Other provisions of the bill include making artillery shells out of melted down gold and quarters and making bullets out of pennies.
“It’s about time!” local resident Samuel Topp gushed, “I hated having that science goop shoved down my throat.” Although the bill seems popular among lawmakers and the public alike, there was a little bit of doubt to the use of money that the plan outlined. When asked how the new bill was drafted, Sen. Baucus noted that he was skeptical at first.
“I thought that this would just be another boring commercial contract,” noted Baucus. “But then I thought, ‘Why don’t we literally make the tanks out of five million dollar bills?’ So I amended that part. Now we could spread liberalism and humanism across those … desert … stan countries or whatever. And what better way to start than to take the money that is being used to further our understanding of the Universe? I mean who needs that when you have something this freaking spectacular.”