The United States federal government just announced plans to evacuate the soon to be ravaged by disease, war, and nuclear fallout planet on four rocket ships. This comes just in time with additional reports that asteroid XB142z is currently hurtling towards the Earth at fifty-seven times the speed of sound. The government’s plan to get all three hundred million residents off of the planet include blueprints showing massive star ship fleets that vaguely resemble a large boat. Sources say that the ships have been in development since the Cold War and were soon abandoned after “the Russians became a little less crazy.” The White House press secretary only responded with the words “Oh my god, we are all going to die, save us, save us,” and subsequently rolled around on the ground confused and screaming when asked when the space ships were slated to be completed.
Project ARKNOW, as the plan has been named, will be one of the greatest feats of human engineering. Employing over five hundred engineers who worked twenty hours a day in reportedly “fantastic” conditions in Shanghai, China, the large space boats are reportedly the end-all solution to the incoming apocalypse. When asked whether the rockets will be able the lift off of the inferno that will engulf the planet by 2057, NASA responded that the ships “will work this time, we swear.” Ohio resident Thomas Jeremiah was overjoyed with the previously classified news. “Thank God it’s about time! The zombies that were trying to climb out of my garden were getting annoying,” exclaimed Jeremiah as he watched the ominous mile-high dust cloud that engulfed Cleveland last week. “I hope they have free breakfast. I get hungry when the world is about to become a massive port-a-potty.”
While some have disagreed with the resource mining efforts and local wars that the government has used to obtain the rare earth metals necessary to evacuate 300 million people, many find the plan to be important to the survival of our species. “They really don’t know what they are talking about,” said Boehner as he fought off the rabid wolves outside of his home. “This won’t be as bad as it will be. Just because we wont be able to touch down for a while because the nearest inhabitable planet has just turned into a giant swamp doesn’t mean there is anything to complain about.”
As of press time, fifty miniature death stars were found pointing their cannons straight at us. The President has stated that it will all be okay. “The scientists know what they are doing,” said president Obama as the sky turned an interesting shade of red.